Lack of understanding

For over 20 years I have suffered from depression, with bouts of anxiety. I just wish people understood. At the moment I am in the throws of one of the worst episodes I have ever had. I have never felt this out of control. I'm in permanent pain. I'm going to write a little bit about the symptoms I have and how it affects me. First are the psychological symptoms, one of the symptoms is continuous low mood or sadness, I don't feel that I have anything to be happy about. Yes, I have friends and family (well the ones I haven't lost through this) but I feel like who wants to hang around with someone who is sad. Not exactly fun for them. I feel hopeless and helpless, like nothing I do is ever right. If I'm told to look for jobs, I do. I have done over 70 applications over the last few weeks. I haven't managed to get one in the click of a finger. Not only does this make me feel like the people whom have told me to look think I am just sat on my arse doing fuck all (Which isn't true), but it makes my depression worse and it reiterates my low self-worth. Job rejection after job rejection. I also have low self-esteem which has made me make the most terrible decisions I have ever made. I have acted reckless, sleeping with unknowns just to try and feel better. To try and feel the love that everyone else around me has. Then there is the feeling tearful constantly trying to hold back the tears. I can cry over burnt toast or a spilt drink. Its like your constantly fighting them back and the smallest thing can set you off. Feeling guilt-ridden is probably one of my least favourite symptoms of depression. No matter what you do you have a constant feeling of guilt. Probably some of it valid because of the bad decisions I have made because of severe depression but I have guilt over everything. I feel guilty that I am not a strong enough person, I feel guilty that I am a burden on family and friends. I feel guilty that my depression had got so bad that I lashed out at friends and family. I feel guilty just existing. I feel irritable and intolerant of others like when somebody says to me go for a walk that will make you feel better. yes, whilst we all know that endorphins make you feel better and that they are released when we exercise but would you say that to someone with a broken leg ? NO so why say it to me with a broken mind. I truly believe that only a healthy mind can exercise. If someone suffers a broken leg its acceptable to take time to recover but with mental illness its not, people expect you to carry on even though you are in immense pain inside that also manifests to physical pain on. If someone had broke a leg they would have people popping round to help do the jobs they cant manage they would get help and support. With an unwell mind you don't have the strength to do all of the things healthy minded people do, like cook for myself, clean my house etc. No one would ever think to help me out in anyway like that. Having no motivation or interest in things and not getting any enjoyment out of life are another couple of great symptom of depression whilst you are feeling down all the joys you used to have in life like seeing family and friends, making jewellery, reading, going out for walks hold no appeal. I love my family and friends but all I seem to do when I am in a depressed state is upset and annoy them. I also find it difficult to make decisions. With my mind not working at full capacity I am unsure of any decision I make because most of the decisions I make when feeling like this seem to make everything worse not better. I think my head feels like there is a dense fog in their, that cant be shifted. You question yourself constantly is this right? am I making the right decision? my heart and head are not to be trusted right now. I feel anxious and worried constantly. There is no let up. I want to sleep because in my sleep my thoughts stop. When I am awake I have constant worries over and over in my mind the whirling incessant blur of distress. I cant even concentrate on one worry to try and resolve it before my mind goes onto the next. The thought of going out and getting shopping makes me feel sick and anxious but as I said earlier no one wants to help you or more like they don't know how to help you. The most taboo subject is having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself when someone with depression says they want to sleep forever for me it means that they want the whirling in their mind to stop, for me it means I want peace from all of the constant bustle that is in my mind. I want a stop to the anxiety and heart ache. Saying you want to die whilst in a lot of cases people do want to finish there life's with me I just want this pain to stop and the only way I can think of right now is to be sleep forever.

Then there is the physical problems you have to deal with moving or speaking more slowly than usual (my energy is sapped completely), change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased) mostly binge eating for me, constipation (as if you haven't get enough to deal with), unexplained aches and pains (your whole body can ache and I get shooting paina through my limbs) , disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning) my routine at the moment is going to bed at ten and trying to sleep but it usually takes six hours, so 4am seems to be my new bedtime. Also sleeping in the day means I don't have to deal with not so nice text sent. People are unlikely to send any at 4am, big sigh of relief.

Then there are the social symptoms, not doing well at work or university (in my case I cant formulate straight thoughts to write an assignment) taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends (I don't really get that many invites anyway so this one is easy to do, Some family and friends just ignore you as they don't know what to do and some bombard you with text and phone calls because they are worried. whilst its lovely to know people care the latter is the worst because they are never "hi love how you doing?" they are usually pieces of advice that I could well do without. I know people mean well but if they where that concerned that should ask me what I needed not be told what I should do), neglecting your hobbies and interests (simple as, I'm to exhausted to bother) having difficulties in your home and family life (this to me is a big one, I've lashed out at the people closest to me and lost their friendship because of it, some of which have been in the same position as I have been in but had lots of family to help them though, these I would I thought would have more compassion. It's true what they say " you find out who your true friends are when you are going though a mental illness". I've made arrangements and cancelled which is an on going thing with me. Its not that I don't want to go its that I mentally and physically can't. That anxiety builds up to a point where I can't cope and shut down. All these actions push people away but its part and parcel of the black dog which people don't seem to believe)

Its not for the lack of trying by people to understand, its just they don't know what I feel or they haven't ever asked how I feel or what I need to get well. They don't ask what they can do for you, Give you a hug and tell you your not going crazy. They seem for some reason to say the worst things imaginable you could to someone with depression. Here's a couple of examples as I mentioned before "why don't you try exercise" is probably the worst thing you could say to me. How's about fuck off ! its hard enough to get up in the morning let alone go for a fricking ten mile hike! and then there's the constant text telling you what you should be doing with your life i.e. "why don't you get a job, it would solve financial problems and give you company" oh yes like I can snap my fingers and just been in a job. The last thing I can think of is starting a new fucking job. My mind is that much of a mush that I would be lucky to get there in one piece. Let alone do the job I do (which is looking after people) one slip up there and I could be done for something as serious as manslaughter wrongs meds, wrong use of a hoist etc. Another one is "just pull yourself together" well if only I had though of that  genius..... if it was as simple as that, don't you think I would have?. Then there is the “Do you feel better now?”(Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me “what’s wrong?” and “would you like to talk about it?” with the best of intentions, but absolutely no under-standing of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.) Would be nice for one of my friends to come to my house crack open a bottle of wine and sit and talk for longer than five minutes. “Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress and eat healthier.” is always a good one, ok so I cant be arsed actually making something to eat for myself so I'm going to cook up a chicken and veg full roast dinner. I don't think so, my culinary skills are limited at the best of times let alone when I am depressed the best I can do is a piece of toast and if I'm feeling that extra energy maybe some beans! vitamins yes they will suddenly cure everything. One little pill of vitamins and that's it all my life will be sorted. I do take vitamins by the way but being told to is condescending. “You need to get out more.” is another piece of advice that I could well do without. Get out go where do what? I don't want to see anyone, let alone go for a trip around a shopping centre with no money. “You need a hobby.” well actually no I don't need a hobby I need to get better and concentrate on myself and if that includes a hobby then it will but please don't tell me my fucking mind.
Most people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people, the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer.

Platitudes don’t cure depression.

If you wanted to help someone with depression below area few things that can help immensely.

• Listen. Keep in mind that the depressed person isn’t communicating well right now, and is probably speaking slower and less clearly. Be patient and don’t interrupt. Don’t be judgmental. Just be there as a friend, physically there.

• Take care of little tasks like feeding the cat or doing the laundry. It would be so nice to actually have some useful help.

• Remember that the depressed person is not being lazy. Think of when you’re really sick and you can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. That’s how a depressive can feel all the time.

• Learn everything you can about depression. Knowledge is power and understanding

• Understanding that your depressed family or friend will probably lash out in some way. This is a coping mechanism. They feel that bad inside that it will unleash sometimes in a not so pretty fashion. Just be there for them and realise that they are not themselves. A bit of compassion goes a long way.  

My thoughts and feelings on depression may not apply to everyone that suffer from depression. I just wanted to try and put in simple terms how I feel. Paperdaisy xxx